The past two years have been some of the best years, but they've also been some of the saddest. I've had a very heavy heart for the past few months. Before I continue with this post, it's not meant to be sappy, for anyone to feel sorry for me, and it's NOT a cry of desperation to get married or anything like that, I have a lot to do in life before I get married..and it's somewhat of a "love story." So, I'm apologizing in advance if this isn't your cup of tea! It's just what's on my heart. 

Upon arriving at MSU after graduating, I never expected to meet so many new people and make so many new friends. I remember being nervous and having somewhat of a bittersweet moment as I hugged my parents bye with tears in my eyes and watched them drive away. Being unsure of this college and what I was suppose to do next, I contacted a friend of mine from high school that I knew was also at MSU and we quickly decided to go to the First Baptist Church with some friends that she knew to play wiffle ball. I met lots of new people and made several new friends. At this point, I couldn't help but think "man, this is going to be a great first year of college." Little did I know, it was about to get a lot better. I had been working out with a friend one day and met one of his friends, Shaughn and Shaughn's friend Dale. I talked with them for a little while and even did some of their workout. I couldn't help but think this Shaughn guy was very attractive, but of course I decided there was no way that he would ever be interested in someone like me. I got back to my dorm later that day with a friend request on Facebook from him, accepted it and then thought nothing else of it after that.

Skip a few weeks ahead. I'm hanging out with my friend Laura and her roommate and our friend Brittney in Laura's dorm; when we decided to go to a big concert here in town called Falls Fest for Laura's birthday. Cross Canadian Ragweed was going to be playing, and I was very excited. We got ready for the night together, and when we got to the concert began to walk around and check everything out. As the band came on stage and started to play their first song, we made our way close to the front so that we could see better; when I ran into Shaughn. We looked at each other for a minute because I'm not sure if he was positive it was me and I was unsure it was him. As I approached him, I said "Hey! Don't I know you?" with his name totally slipping my mind. His response was "Yea, we met at the gym..you're Lakin right?" red faced and a little nervous I told him yes, still trying to think of his name. I guess it was written all over my face because he asked me if I didn't remember what his name was and I quickly said no that I was sorry and a little embarrassed. After that, I'm not really sure how it happened but we exchanged numbers and then I went on about my business, hanging out with my friends, still not thinking much of it; when suddenly my phone went off with a text message from him telling me that I looked really pretty. A huge smile came across my face as I sent a thank you message back, and then the conversation continued from there. Our groups were eventually standing together, and by the last song we had all decided that after the concert we were going back to Shaughn's apartment to hang out. 

Still a little nervous and embarrassed from forgetting his name, my stomach was turning flips as my friends and I pulled up at his apartment. Shaughn and I quickly met eyes (we did this a lot, and even said that it was only ONE of the many favorite things about this particular night, looking into each others' pretty eyes) and for the rest of the night stood side by side talking to each. We eventually made our way to one of his friend's a few apartments down, and when we got there; Shaughn and I went to the back porch to talk. We seriously talked almost all night about everything. Our families, what we were majoring in, just random stuff..even that his brother and I shared the same birthday. We pretty much covered everything in this one single night. This was all a little crazy but exciting to me because I felt that I had genuinely found a good guy that was interested in me. As the weeks went on, I knew my instinct was right when he invited me to his hometown of Graham, Texas to meet his family. From then on we were in-separable. We made our relationship official on October 16, 2010, where we continued to make many fun and wonderful memories..and had several "favorite nights" with each other. What he doesn't know, is that everytime I'm with him; it's one of my favorite things because my heart feels complete.

Things continued going great, and when Summer rolled around I decided I was staying in Wichita to take Summer classes while he had to go back to Graham (about an hour or a little less away) for work. Before this, I asked him if we were going to be okay over the Summer and he promised and assured me that we were because he was crazy about me. I had a sense of overwhelming joy at this answer, because I knew at this point I was beginning to fall in love with this incredible guy that God had placed in my life. On most weekends, he came back on Saturday nights to be in town to go to church with me on Sunday's; just as we had gone to church together every Sunday during the semester. He knew how important church and my faith was because when we first started dating he was the one who introduced me to First Baptist Church where I go now. I could also see God working through him as well because we were both always so excited for church. Some weekends I would go to Graham to spend time with he and his family and a few weekends we went and spent time with my family. We even went and floated the river with several of our friends and his brother and sister in law. 

I had been struggling with one of my Summer classes (A&P), and was studying for a test one day and realized that I hadn't heard from him. I started to get a little worried, maybe that something was wrong or that he was mad at me for something. However, I brushed it off telling myself that he was probably just really busy at work and didn't have time to look at his phone. Finally, later that afternoon I heard from him...and by the way he was talking I could tell something was wrong. As the night drug on, and we were talking on the phone it turned into one of the worst nights out of the whole year. He decided that we needed to go on a "break." I didn't understand. What had I done wrong? Was he just scared because we had started getting a little more serious? Was he just tired of me? Had he found someone else? All of these questions ran through my head when he started answering them for me. I'm not sure he will ever admit it, but I think he even cried a little himself. He assured me I hadn't done anything wrong, he wasn't "tired" of me, and he hadn't found anyone else..he just thought that we needed to take this break.

3:00 A.M.: Still awake and crying my eyes out, I do the only thing I can think of. I call my mom who is constantly there for me, and tell her everything that has just happened. She came to Wichita Falls the next day for support and we quickly realized just how heart broken I was when I had cried so much that I made myself sick. As she and I lay in bed watching TV, I finally dozed off since I hadn't slept at all the night before. Suddenly, my mom tells me that my phone went off and when I look at it, it's a text from Shaughn asking what I'm doing. We talked for a little while, and then slowly stopped. The next few days were hard, his sister talked to me about it and I only heard from him a little during the day. 

Finally, the fourth of July rolled around. It was hard because he and I had made plans to be together and go to Possum Kingdom lake with all of his friends. Instead, I went to PK with my parents and stayed with some of our family friends at their lake house. When we were out on the water one day, we saw Shaughn's boat and I tried to wave at him; but of course he didn't recognize me because we were about 100 yards away and in a boat that he didn't recognize. I immediately started crying because it was really hard to have him so close, yet so far away. Later that night, after supper I was trying to keep my mind off of things by playing WAHOO with my mom and Joanie; I received a text from him asking how my day had been and I explained how we had seen him. We continued texting that night, until I fell asleep on him. The next day I was heading back to Wichita and had to go through Graham when he told me to stop at the shop he works at. The day ended up with me and him hanging out with his friends, eating and going to the lake. It was like nothing had changed between us, we flirted and acted like we were still together. Even his friends told me that it was like nothing had changed. When we got back to the shop later that night, we talked and we both admitted how hard it had been and how much we missed each other, but we still didn't get back together. From this point on, we talked everyday and started hanging out again. It was like God had answered my prayers and sent him back to me. He went on a 30 day job at the end of the Summer and texted me all through the day while he was gone, and talked to me on the phone every night. When he came back, he went to church with me and told me he had missed me. When the semester started back up for school, we hung out and talked everyday..and when asked by one of his brothers if we were still dating he said "yea, pretty much."  Things seemed to be going my way. 

Then one night, after class I went to pick up Messer (the dog we "share") at his apartment and it all fell apart again. He told me he didn't want a relationship and I was heart broken all over again. The same questions started running through my mind as  before and as he reassured me that it was nothing like that my heart sank. What could it have been? Why did this keep happening? I didn't have the answers, but I knew God would. So, the only thing I knew to do was pray about it and ask God to either change my heart and let me stop loving him, or show Shaughn's heart that he felt the same way about me. Things began to happen like they did last time, we started talking everyday and hanging out and I thought this was it. We were officially getting back together. 

Between a lot of crying and praying, nothing happened. His family talked to me all the time and told me that things were very different with me than they had been with any other girl he had dated. His sister explained that he never continued talking to an ex girlfriend for as long as he had been talking to me. His dad even told me that if Shaughn asked me to marry him today he'd take me as his daughter in law in a heartbeat. This was all reassuring and gave me more hope. I continued to pray and we continued talking to each other and hanging out. 

A lot has happened between Shaughn and I since then. We still aren't together, but we still talk to each other and hang out on occasion. It's really hard, because I love him so much. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm ever gonna be okay or if things are even going to work out; but I keep my faith and continue praying for either a change in my heart or for God to show Shaughn's heart that he feels the same way. This is why I have such a heavy heart, it's very hard to love someone so much that it hurts and miss them even when they really aren't that fair away. I've tried to move on, took pictures of us down (and then put them back up because it hurt too bad without seeing them), but nothing changes the way I feel about him. I've even gotten to where I can't listen to the radio in my car anymore. It usually stays turned off, because there are so many songs that make me think of him, or too many love songs come on and it hurts too bad. Sometimes, I go back and look at all the old posts we sent each other on Facebook and remember how happy we were, or I think about all the fun things we did together and miss him all over again. Don't get me wrong, I don't just sit around and try to think about this ALL THE TIME, but when most of the things I do remind me of him or us..it creeps up on me.  I've had lots of support from my family. Especially my mom and sister. They understand how I feel, and have been strong open arms I can run to if I need them. They are a great support system, and are always encouraging me to just keep the faith and keep praying about it. I've continued to do all of this, and feel in my heart that there could still be hope; because I feel like God is telling me to just hang on and get through this and he will bring Shaughn back to me and our relationship will be better than ever. It can be a little hard sometimes, because I wake up everyday feeling like me and my mom are the only ones that still have hope for our relationship. Until then, all I can do is continue to pray. Pray for myself, for Shaughn, for both our families and friends, and to be there for him if he needs me. I know that this is all in God's hands and he has complete control. He will never give me more than I can handle, and there is never a storm that doesn't come without a rainbow at the end of it.

"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."-2 Corinthians 4: 16-18


""We do not want to merely “see” beauty–though, God knows, even that is bounty enough. We want something else which can hardly be put into words–to be united with the beauty we see, to pass into it, to receive it into ourselves, to bathe in it, to become part of it."- C.S. Lewis


"Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance."- 1 Corinthians 13:7

Making my way into the world of blogging! :)

Well folks, 
I've done it! I finally broke down and decided to become a blogger! I don't know much about this so bear with me for the first few weeks. I may jump around a bit.

To get the ball rolling let me start by saying that I'm currently a sophomore at Midwestern State University in Wichita Falls, Texas, I live by myself with my sweet Yorkie Messer in a cute little house (thanks to my awesome parents) and couldn't be happier with where I'm at. I have the a wonderful family and great friends and love them all so very much! 

As the last few weeks of school are wrapping up, I can't help but be a little overwhelmed! The last few weeks of school are filled with last minute assignments and projects and the ever so dreadful finals week! It's going to get CRAZY! I keep having to tell myself to breath and do my best. The rest is all up to God! Just keeping my fingers crossed that my GPA is ten times better than last semester! On a much happier and exciting note, I'm getting really anxious and excited because I'm fixing to become an aunt again! I have one precious nephew, Wade and he is about to become an awesome big brother to a sweet little angel named Pyper Grace! My sister and brother in law are in the process of moving to a bigger house for more space to become the cutest family of four! I can't wait for that sweet princess to enter the world! God is great! Until then, keeping my fingers crossed and saying my prayers for everything! :)